Having really enjoyed my new church this morning I came home and wrote two important emails to advise two people who needed to know that I won't be coming back to my old church any time soon. One was sent to my now former minister and the other to a member of my former church who I consider to be a good friend.
Both of them replied. Much to my irritation despite my requesting to not have any further communication with him my ex-minister has asked, rather insistently, if there is a problem!?
Erm...Hello...I know we've hardly spoken properly (except by necessity) for over a year but we've had three seperate conversations about my ongoing struggle with my sexuality. Something like that doesn't just vanish in the ether. He knows I'm still single so he can't somehow imagine that I've been cured. I decided having already vented my initial frustration in an online forum to try and have a break from thinking about all this whilst watching the telly.
Fast forward a few hours. Finished watching TV and check my emails, I notice the reply from my friend.
It's almost heart-breaking in its sincerity; he says he'll miss me and always notices when I'm not at church but he'll respect my decision. Signs off by saying he looks forward to me renewing contact and would be happy to listen if I want.
Don't worry I'm not going to change my mind. Despite the outward show in that last email my former minister has never fully trusted me ever since I came out to him. He'd never admit it directly but it shows in his behaviour. He's friendly with the other guys in a way he's never been with me. During one of our chats once I mentioned that felt ignored sometimes and he effectively turned it round on me saying that some people (ie himself) might find me rather stand-offish and difficult to engage with.
Admittedly I like to feel that the other person is interested in what I have to say before I talk to them but every time I ever tried to talk to him in any depth it always felt there was a barrier of disinterest and I do put up barriers occasionally to protect myself but he's supposed to be a minister-pastor for goodness sake. It's his job to be someone I should feel comfortable confiding in.
I might send my friend another email. Unlike my ex-minister who's only known me (although I use the term "known" very loosely as it feels like he's never really had time for me) for four years, he's known me since I first started going to that church at age 17 which by default makes him my oldest friend. Just thinking about the implications of that leaves me feeling quite upset.
I think that's all for tonight.
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